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According to the American Heritage Dictionary the definition of Control:
I love words. I love how you can take such a neutral thing, such as a string of letters, and add meaning to them. Ask 10 people what a word means and you are going to probably get 10 different answers.I was surprised when I looked up the word control. The definition seems so harsh and authoritative, two things that seems so outside of my character with others. But, the more I started thinking about it....the more perplexed I became. How can I be so kind and forgiving of others but hold such a stronghold on myself. Regulate is a good way to put it. To regulate something seems so in tune with what I did to my life up until this point.
I have been thinking a lot about control as of late. I feel like I am always trying to control my life to get a certain result and the more I try to control it the farther it seems I am from the goal I am seeking. I have really been working on giving up control and putting more stake in faith. The unknown is a very scary thing for me. I have never liked surprises. I am the girl that loves when you go to an event and there is a menu card sitting on the table next to the evenings agenda. I like to be in the know. It makes me feel safe and secure.
Although, the older I get it seems the less it is working for me. Actually, it never really worked for me, now that I think about it. I had my life plan at 12, I was an overachiever. I really thought I new what my life was going to look like. I have a distinct memory of when I was 12 years old. I told my mom I was going to live in hotel rooms and travel the world. I don't think my plan was that solidified because looking back I am not sure I knew the job or the source of income, but, hey, I had a head start on most 12 year old. I come from a family of college graduates. It is just part of the process. Somewhere between 12 and 18 I decided I was going to go to school to work in television, on air was my goal. It took me one lousy year until the age of 19 that I realized life doesn't always work out as you plan---I spent the next 15 years trying to convince the universe and myself otherwise. My parents were getting divorced and I was on the verge of transferring schools and the school I was transferring to did not have a journalism program. I got through the next 3 years miraculously and even managed to study abroad, but I am still in awe of how I graduated in 4 years. I remember spending so many waking hours trying to control my future. That is a lot of hard work and is exhausting and looking back on it, it did not really leave much room for other things. I had to get perfect grades because that led to a perfect job, which led to a perfect life.
I remember sitting in a Women's Studies class with a friend. It was my first C in college. I was a junior. I remember her looking at me and saying C's get degrees. It was at that moment that I realized by getting a C, my life did not really alter. I actually felt about the same I did the day before. It was my first of many lessons in the reality of "I am good enough" It became our little inside joke. To this day if I feel like something I did was only mediocre I chant that saying in my head and I remember that not every day, at every moment and in every instance am I going to be perfect. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Now, I get accolades every day. I have a drawer full of awards, Most Supportive, Ms. Congeniality, Homecoming Court, National Honor Society on and on. I mean, I won the Youth of the Year Award when I was 15 years old.....really that does not add any pressure to a girl's formative years. But, those things mean so little to me. I don't like being singled out. I look back and some of those things actually just feel like the constellation prize. "You are good....but not really that good" Back to controlling my life. Since you really are not that good....you have to step it up a notch or two or three (I like to challenge myself) Only the really good are deserving right? Poor girl. I thought that for way too many years. Actually, I still have plenty of those moments. The funny thing is I have not won an award in a long time and at 32 years old I have no idea how the rest of my life is going to unfold, but I am excited. I am looking forward to the unknown. I have a very good idea of how I would like it to look, but I am trying not to control that. I am trying to be authentic and genuine with the most important thing in my life me.
- To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct.
- To adjust to a requirement; regulate.
- To hold in restraint.
- To reduce or prevent the spread of.
I love words. I love how you can take such a neutral thing, such as a string of letters, and add meaning to them. Ask 10 people what a word means and you are going to probably get 10 different answers.I was surprised when I looked up the word control. The definition seems so harsh and authoritative, two things that seems so outside of my character with others. But, the more I started thinking about it....the more perplexed I became. How can I be so kind and forgiving of others but hold such a stronghold on myself. Regulate is a good way to put it. To regulate something seems so in tune with what I did to my life up until this point.
I have been thinking a lot about control as of late. I feel like I am always trying to control my life to get a certain result and the more I try to control it the farther it seems I am from the goal I am seeking. I have really been working on giving up control and putting more stake in faith. The unknown is a very scary thing for me. I have never liked surprises. I am the girl that loves when you go to an event and there is a menu card sitting on the table next to the evenings agenda. I like to be in the know. It makes me feel safe and secure.
Although, the older I get it seems the less it is working for me. Actually, it never really worked for me, now that I think about it. I had my life plan at 12, I was an overachiever. I really thought I new what my life was going to look like. I have a distinct memory of when I was 12 years old. I told my mom I was going to live in hotel rooms and travel the world. I don't think my plan was that solidified because looking back I am not sure I knew the job or the source of income, but, hey, I had a head start on most 12 year old. I come from a family of college graduates. It is just part of the process. Somewhere between 12 and 18 I decided I was going to go to school to work in television, on air was my goal. It took me one lousy year until the age of 19 that I realized life doesn't always work out as you plan---I spent the next 15 years trying to convince the universe and myself otherwise. My parents were getting divorced and I was on the verge of transferring schools and the school I was transferring to did not have a journalism program. I got through the next 3 years miraculously and even managed to study abroad, but I am still in awe of how I graduated in 4 years. I remember spending so many waking hours trying to control my future. That is a lot of hard work and is exhausting and looking back on it, it did not really leave much room for other things. I had to get perfect grades because that led to a perfect job, which led to a perfect life.
I remember sitting in a Women's Studies class with a friend. It was my first C in college. I was a junior. I remember her looking at me and saying C's get degrees. It was at that moment that I realized by getting a C, my life did not really alter. I actually felt about the same I did the day before. It was my first of many lessons in the reality of "I am good enough" It became our little inside joke. To this day if I feel like something I did was only mediocre I chant that saying in my head and I remember that not every day, at every moment and in every instance am I going to be perfect. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Now, I get accolades every day. I have a drawer full of awards, Most Supportive, Ms. Congeniality, Homecoming Court, National Honor Society on and on. I mean, I won the Youth of the Year Award when I was 15 years old.....really that does not add any pressure to a girl's formative years. But, those things mean so little to me. I don't like being singled out. I look back and some of those things actually just feel like the constellation prize. "You are good....but not really that good" Back to controlling my life. Since you really are not that good....you have to step it up a notch or two or three (I like to challenge myself) Only the really good are deserving right? Poor girl. I thought that for way too many years. Actually, I still have plenty of those moments. The funny thing is I have not won an award in a long time and at 32 years old I have no idea how the rest of my life is going to unfold, but I am excited. I am looking forward to the unknown. I have a very good idea of how I would like it to look, but I am trying not to control that. I am trying to be authentic and genuine with the most important thing in my life me.
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